**Trigger warning: The aim of this site is to tell our experiences with honesty. Therefore, some blog posts may trigger an adverse reaction. If a post is beginning to upset you, I advise that you please stop reading it immediately and talk to your support team.
From Michele: Scrolling through Pinterest and found this gem, “so many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.” Sylvia Plath And I couldn’t agree anymore. The majority of us have had struggles, and have dealt with adversity of some kind. And yet, we hide that side from the world as a.) we either feel weird or alone b.) we think of our struggles as being less than “that guy or that girl.” In all reality, our stories matter. All struggles should be heard. Our stories can change the world (or at least someone else’s world!).
Today, hear from Britney. See what she has to say. From struggling with anorexia to being married with kids, read her story, be inspired, and connect with her!
I used to count every… single… calorie. At least up until I hit 400. That was my limit for the day. 400 calories a day (mostly comprised of Goldfish crackers, almonds, dried cranberries, and Special K). I would then run a few miles in the afternoon (no matter what the weather was like), calculate my estimated amount of calories burned, and proceed to replenish my burned cals to get back to 400 (usually a dinner of deli meat, veggies, NO BREAD EVER), and then hit the hay until the following day. Then, it would start all over. I knew just about every single food item’s calorie amount in the website I frequently checked before anything went in my mouth.
The control of my food was only the beginning of my disorder.
From the control over my diet then began my obsession to control my weight. It became a game with myself. Something I knew I could hit. A goal. I ended up teetering on the edge of 105 pounds and 115. I fluctuated throughout, but I told myself as long as I wasn’t over 115 I was “ OK”. I was fitting in a size 00 Skinny Jean, and at 5’8” it didn’t look “good”. It looked sick. I was a skeleton looking at myself in the mirror at all my flaws and areas I could improve on.
What I didn’t realize was how terrible my disorder was quickly becoming.
Between the food control, weight, and obsession with working out, I had created a deadly combination of habits. I was also on birth control which affected my heart in weird ways, however, looking back now it could have been a result of the toll of anorexia. It was out of the blue one day I first heard concerned remarks from professors at my university. Mostly asking if I was alright. Of course, I was thrown off and had NOT a CLUE they were trying to figure out why I was so skinny. Next, I was getting hints of concern from my sorority sisters and friends. Little subtle things, like, “You’re SO skinny”. For some reason that only fueled the fire. It was as if they were saying exactly what I needed to hear to know I was accomplishing all my “goals”. A compliment in my eyes.
What came next was the real shocker.
I was in my dorm one day when my mom called me. She told me that if I didn’t change my ways she was going to pull me out of college.. I was completely blindsided. Now, all the little hints and clues were making sense. People were talking about me behind my back concerned. I was panicked and a little defensive. Like, what I was doing wasn’t that bad. I was FINE. Then, I became angry. How could people be talking about me like this?! Next, I started realizing the truth.. maybe what I was doing WAS that bad. Could I have really taken it too far? Gee, I guess it was possible.. the obsession of knowing all the calories in every food item I ate.. counting calories up until a certain amount and restricting myself of things I needed to really live. I had become lethargic in classes and my grades weren’t the best they had ever been..
Was I really killing myself, though?
I went home for a few weeks. I think it was Spring Break.. My mom took me to the doctor. I’ll never forget the words that came out of his mouth. “If you were to get sick right now with something like, pneumonia, you probably wouldn’t make it. Your immune system is so shot and you don’t have the stamina”. This shook me. I don’t know if it was a scare tactic, but I did the job. I was all of a sudden immediately aware of what I was doing. I couldn’t believe it, but I guess I was anorexic. I had to admit to myself that I had an eating disorder and I had done it all to myself. How could I have allowed this to happen?
I’ve been naturally thin my entire life.. what was the need for more?
I know this is all a ton of detail and you may be wondering why I’m sharing this with you now. I just feel that I keep that side of my life in such a small dark spot so that no one knows, but I really should share more. I think there are people that were in my exact shoes who aren’t yet aware of the harm they’re doing to themselves. I hope that my contribution to National Eating Disorder Awareness Week brings light to someone who may hear all the habits I created and see them in their own daily routines. Maybe, I can stop someone from doing further damage. I really don’t know. But, sharing it is better than keeping it all to myself and never admitting to something I was truly addicted to.
Sometimes it’s hard to admit you had a “disorder”. Yes, it’s a bad thing, but an experience can be used for good.
I was very lucky to have such amazing sisters, family, professors, loved ones, who were so supportive and cared enough about me to reach out to my own family to help save me. I don’t know who actually called.. there may have been multiple calls (I’m sure), but I’m thankful for whoever did. I was lucky enough to just switch the obsession of eating off. It took time and it was a process, but I eventually weaned myself off of the counting, the weight obsession, and made new eating habits for myself to avoid being pulled out of school. I was able to really think about the reasons why it got so bad. I think it was a control thing. I think there were things in my life at the time that I had no control over, and the Anorexia was a way I was in complete control of my life and body. Therefore, it was satisfactory for me. I don’t like blaming things on my behavior, but perhaps it was some subconscious thing that had come into play there. Either way, I consider myself lucky to have gotten out of it at all. All of this occurred in a matter of 2.5 years. I know that others have suffered with eating disorders for a lot longer than that.
If you or a loved one are reading this know that there are tons of people who care about you and want the best for you.
That means that I know it’s hard to believe what you’re doing may actually be considered a “disorder”, but seriously step back for a moment and think about your daily habits. Do you research and know what you should be getting and taking in everyday. If you know deep down what you’re doing isn’t normal talk to someone. Just talking about it can be the first step to all the help you may need. You are beautiful just the way you are and TRUST me when I say that life is so much more satisfying when you live it in a healthy way. Eat the delicious food, enjoy nature, stop worrying about how you look, learn to be at peace with yourself, and love this very short life we are given here.
I write this for my husband and my son who I live for each and everyday. I take care of myself to be there for them.
Love, Britny