From Michele: If you look back at your childhood, there’s probably something you longed for when you grew up. For many, it was to start your own family and to find love. Sounds simple.
As we get older, however, things change, and oftentimes those loving relationships that we longed for go away. From mental abuse to physical abuse, there are so many things we can experience. And the sad part is the fact that many of the times we want to just give that relationship that was once loving, a second chance.
And when it happens again, we tell ourselves what about another second chance. The cycle goes on and on, and many individuals get stuck in this cycle. Some make it out alive and some, like my friend from high school, don’t make it out in time.
So read Cindee’s story of what it’s really like getting out of an abusive relationship and find out what’s in store for her life! And if you need support or have a story to share, make sure to check out page out and come join into the Not a Standard community!
November 11, 2013. I will never forget that day.
Three months after my youngest daughter (at the time) was born I experienced a very traumatic experience that until this day I get choked up talking about sometimes. You see, I was in a 6 year relationship with someone who was not only the father to three of my beautiful children, and a step-father to my oldest son but he was a very insecure man. A man that treated me and his kids like property. I could go on into the details of 6 years, but I might as well write a book about. To summarize it all, we were in-love in the beginning, and he was never like this at all. We built a family and then his insecurities became his obsession. His insecurities became insults which lead to mental and verbal abuse. Then, it eventually led to physical abuse almost risking losing my kids.
This relationship brought out the worst in the both of us, we were so preoccupied in proving each other wrong or right that we didn’t realize how toxic it was for the kids. I can’t really blame him for everything, because I enabled it to get this bad.
But that night I just knew it was over. There was no turning back. Let’s just say out of the 6 years we were together, he had never laid a hand on me like that.
That night I was completely helpless. In-fact I could barely walk by the end of it. Covered in bruises from the neck down.
I was so broken inside, because all of that happened right before our children’s eyes. So young and innocent. I knew I had to change my life.
Eventually, CAS were involved, and that was when rock bottom really hit me when the worker said “this environment is not healthy for the kids, you’re in a co-dependant relationship. If you continue to be in this relationship you may risk losing your kids, until you two can prove you can provide them a healthy home”. My heart sunk, my life was destroyed all because I tried to love a man that didn’t even love himself enough to feel secure about the person he built a family with. I had risked losing my kids- my entire world that I tried to protect was the very same world I was actually helping destroy.
I made the hardest decision of my life… I left him and became a single mother of 4.
But I didn’t even know where to begin. I suffered from PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Working with CAS I went through extensive counseling, programs surrounding abuse, and lots of therapy. Not just for myself, but my kids too. We all worked hard to rebuild after the separation.
But honestly, sometimes I still feel like I deal with the side effects of all this.
Luckily, I was recommended to take CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, to help deal with these negative patterns of thoughts and redirect them into more positive thinking – which leads to positive problem solving solution behavior.
Let’s just say, the hardest part was re-training my brain to think positive.
But no matter how hard it was, I worked so hard to rebuild my life and even harder to raise my children in a healthy home. A friend once told me, “it’s better to come from a broken home than to be in one”. She was right.
Today, I have an amazing partner who not just loves me and all that I come with, but he’s worked hard at being an amazing step-father to my kids helping me build a healthy home.
My family has now grown to be a family of 8 and I’m just so blessed. My ex has also improved his life and tried hard to rebuild his life being a more positive role model to our kids. We have our co-parenting differences, but we can agree that the kids will always be our priority. I’m sure he’s sorry for what he’s done, but I learnt to forgive him and my self a long time ago. I also learnt that loving myself had a huge impact on the decisions I made including the relationships I choose to be in.
Once you see your worth, you won’t settle for less. This is something that I constantly remind my children, that no matter what happens in life, if you love yourself first, you’ll make all the right decisions. So, trust yourself. No matter how down and out you are, there will always be obstacles you have to face. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to understand how to get back up. This experience was a blessing in disguise. Even though it was the most traumatic experience, I learned to value myself in the end. I not only became a survivor, but I became a warrior. Now I feel like I can conquer anything.
My weakness became my biggest strength.
Cindee
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