From Michele: J.M Storm once said “She’s a desert rose, the most deserving of water, and yet she makes do with what she had. She blooms just to show the sun she can make it.” And while a bit deep, it’s oftentimes the case with any kind of struggle. Oftentimes the kindest people are inflicted, and still left to deal with it.
As was the case with Hannah. Read her story which entails so much time between feeling sick and getting a diagnosis of MS. She truly is a warrior. Read her story below.
I would be remiss to say that I don’t hold onto some anger. Upon moving back to my hometown and starting my own business I felt like I was on top of the world. I was coming into my own and embracing the world, literally, traveling at the drop of a hat. Building up confidence, having fun, everything was falling into place.
However, I was falling.
I still was fighting the unknown that I’ve had for years. What is causing these Migraines? Why am I having so much brain fog? I’m here, but I feel like I’m not here. Why is the room spinning? Why am I so exhausted? Doctors…it’s stress, it’s anxiety, it’s your sinuses..here are some anti-anxiety pills and Flonase. *eye rolls* For four years prior to diagnosis I was dealing with the back and forth of all of this. I was convinced I had a brain tumor because of the way I was feeling. I had CAT Scans that showed that wasn’t the case..I still wasn’t convinced though. Jump forward to the year 2017 and I started in January to be even more persistent of how I felt.
My heart knew something wasn’t right.
The stress and anxiety over the years was coming to a head. Around August I was being admitted to the hospital. I lost the sense of touch in my hands, my feet felt tingly, that feeling started to rise up my legs and into my abdomen. I had been sick the week prior with an upper respiratory. The neurologist that I had been seeing said it was probably just a mild case of Gillian Barre and she would do testing, but if I wanted to speed things up I could go to the emergency room if necessary. She knew I was worried. I’m laying in the room and she walks in to say, “so, was it your anxiety that brought you in?” The heart rate machine surged on that comment I was so steamed. The hospital pumped me with steroids for 4 days, did MRIs, their neurologists had ruled out MS because they only saw one lesion on the brain. Mind you they only scanned the brain on their outdated equipment that had a horrible image. I knew that wasn’t right.
We all know our bodies.
I was released, feeling a tight hug around my waist, it felt like a boa constrictor was wrapped around. I had no answers but the google searches and forums that I was reading..all pointed to that being the MS Hug. I knew in my heart then. I went for a follow up with that neurologist and she still gave me no answers but that she was certain it wasn’t MS, gave me some Gabapentin, I was not satisfied. I sat in her office and said “why am I feeling this tight waistband, why?! I’m not leaving here feeling this way for more months..all the research that I have been doing says that this is the MS Hug. What else could possibly give this symptom?!” I was furious at this point, I had absolutely hit my limit. She then asked if I wanted to see an MS Specialist in spite her believing that it wasn’t that. ‘Duhhh lady!’ I could barely walk the block to take Haven (my dog) outside without being out of breath and exhausted, I was in pain. I had to sit on the shower floor and wash my hair with one arm until it went numb and then use the other arm to rinse while the other one gained its feeling back. That was exhausting!
The MS Specialist did the right testing on me. Finally!
I had an MRI of the Brain, Spine, and Thoracic. More bloodwork, a Spinal Tap, and finally the day in November of 2017 that I was diagnosed. My mom and I sat in that room and cried. I looked at her and said, “I knew it, I knew it in my heart that I had Multiple Sclerosis.”
I had support of my family and friends.
After years of dealing with these worries and feelings, the stresses of starting my own business, and this new diagnosis I crashed. I needed to escape my reality. I went to see my family in Atlanta multiple times. It was my way of healing. I was trying my best. Family was always there. Some friends, however, started to say that I wasn’t working, I’m not going to Atlanta all the time doing work, what else do you do other than relax? The circle was constantly talking.
I didn’t want to go out, I said no to a lot.
If I did go out to please others I acted fine and the next day I was paying for it severely. But that made them happy. Honestly, it tore me down. It broke me down good. I hold on to each word that every person said to me like it was yesterday. It angers me. I was on my own path of healing and dealing and doing what I needed to do for myself. Going to Atlanta was an escape from the hell of a reality that I was living in. Most of my family is in Georgia, a cousin is an artist and designer there, and she inspires me greatly.
Artists need to escape to be inspired again.
I needed it to get my mental and physical strength back. Only to come back to be made to feel guilty for that. I was doing and giving my best. Consistently trying to prove yourself to others is exhausting. Add that to the fatigue of MS and everything that comes with that, you have a recipe for disaster. Just because I own my own business and don’t talk much about what I do doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything. Quite the opposite. Those who don’t boast have the most.
Dealing with all of this taught me a lot. I’m not proving myself anymore to anyone. I’m not dealing with people who drain me. I’m not dealing with peoples drama and negativity. I’m feeling more at peace now. I have found my purpose driven life for my business. I’ve become a better version of me. I see the bigger picture of life, and it’s a beautiful thing. Moral of the story is this. Stand up for yourself! We own the bodies we live in, we know our bodies the best. You have to be your own advocate for every step forward we take in our lives. The saying is true, “if you can’t love yourself, then who can you love?” Don’t give up on yourself! Push for answers, and push for your health!
Connect With Her:
Instagram: www.instagram.com/hwhavenfl