Jennifer's Story: Life After a Suicide Attempt

From Michele: Regardless of who you are today, I can imagine if you look back at your childhood, you probably remember an awkward stage. It IS awkward growing up, and yet, for some it’s a whole new kind of tough. Today, read Jennifer’s story and her account of growing up. Read about her suicide attempt and be inspired by where she is now.

I attempted suicide when I was in eighth grade. It was the culminating event in a very hard puberty. I was skinny my whole childhood, and then I wasn’t. The whole “becoming a woman” thing really changed my body. Suddenly I had thighs and a butt and boobs, but I was still dressing like a skinny little kid in sweatpants and t-shirts. I didn’t know to be self conscious. My body was my body.

I didn’t even think about it until someone else taught me I should be self conscious… that I should be embarrassed.

My much older sister’s boyfriend made fun of my “thunder thighs”. A kid at school teased me and named me “buffalo butt”. There were others, too. Other kids. Other names. I admit, I still think about those mean, awful kids sometimes, even now all these years later. I hated them, but I came to hate myself more.

I was fat and disgusting. I was worthless. I was defeated.

Then one night I was at a friend’s sleepover talking about my feelings and filled with hopelessness, because at that age other people’s opinions are the be-all end-all. Nothing else matters.

We went for a walk that night, and as I sobbed, I walked out into traffic hoping to get hit by a car.

Luckily, my friends grabbed me and pulled me to safety before anything bad could happen. Mom took me to see a psychiatrist and that helped. But that time in my life greatly impacted my self esteem and the way I see myself and my body. It has been a lifelong struggle to love what I look like.

Some days I want to be invisible, and others I am strutting around feeling like the beauty queen the ones who love me tell me I am.

Some of us are more likely to struggle with depression. Some of us have to work tirelessly to be happy and to want to stick around. I don’t expect a medal for that. It is what it is. I’ve shared to open at least one person’s eyes. I hope it’s not something you struggle with, but you can be sure that someone in your life does. It’s important to be informed about mental health. It is not an embarrassing situation or something to cause shame. It’s no different than asthma.