From Michele:
We all have different struggles, so what makes you think that we will get through them the same way? Today, hear from Carol who got through her struggle with breast cancer with a bit of faith and a bit of family support. Feel free to leave a comment below of what helped you overcome obstacles in your life. We’d love to hear from you.
THE BEGINNING
The start of my journey was one of those phone calls: “Carol, your mammogram showed an anomaly. Can you come in tomorrow for an ultrasound?” I was at the beach with my toes in the sand, drinking a mojito, and listening to my husband’s amazing beach playlist. “Tomorrow isn’t possible. I’m at the beach.” She put me on hold. I looked at my husband as he peacefully read. Looked at my two youngest as they boogie boarded. My gynecologist’s voice interrupted my peace: “Carol, let’s get a closer look Monday morning when you return.” My first thought was to start asking questions, but I stared at the Gulf, breathed in the salt air, and heard the Spirit whisper: “BE STILL.” That was the first moment I knew God would go before me. That was the first moment I felt the beauty of Psalm 27 wash over and lift me. When we find ourselves in the center of an uncontrollable circumstance (mine medical), we can choose to drown in it or rise by delighting in God. I closed my eyes and praised God for His protection, receiving that call surrounded by His beauty and my blessings. I silently prayed for Him to strengthen me, fill me with His peace, and use whatever was ahead for His glory.
THE MIDDLE
Monday’s ultrasound turned the anomaly into a mass which led to a quickly scheduled core needle biopsy. By the following week, I found myself getting prepped for a lumpectomy. The funny thing is I kept thinking each step was the last step. Until it wasn’t. So each time I found myself deeper down the oncology rabbit hole, I prayed: “I WILL TRUST.” Problem is: trust is a choice to relinquish control; in truth, it’s accepting that you have no control. I AM A CONTROL FREAK. Honestly, my “I will trust” looks more like: Jesus Take the wheel, but I’m just gonna be ready to grab it. I mean Jesus might want to go slower or take a right when I think faster and left is better. So sure, I “trust” in that broken, human way: trust but verify and/or direct. Two weeks after my lumpectomy, I found myself sitting in the exam room of a breast cancer specialist. As I felt my resolve breaking as she recommended scheduling a total bilateral mastectomy…..
I heard the Spirit whisper: “SURRENDER.” Surrender, Carol. Let go. Let God.
I wish I could tell you from that moment on I surrendered my willfulness to God. I wish surrendering was a one and done sorta deal. BUT it isn’t. At least not for me. I constantly caught myself trying to grab the wheel as my need for control, driven by my fear, tried to rob me of God’s strength and His peace. Breast cancer taught me that surrendering is a choice. Often, a choice that must be made daily. Often, a choice that must be made multiple times each day. In fact, there were many days where choosing to trust and surrender was all I could do. On those days (and nights), I drowned my fear, my anger, and my exhaustion with His Word. I ran to the quiet of His presence. A place where no matter the trial, I knew His promise was far greater than my present circumstance. I knew His grace was sufficient.
THE END (well, at least for this trial)
Lumpectomy, Bilateral mastectomy. Reconstruction. Three surgeries in five months (still no nipples, but I’m taking a break from hospitals). Those that know me, know that I struggle with what I can add to the conversation around breast cancer. Each time I try to write about my journey, the details get overwhelmed by God’s relentless pursuit and His steadfastness. No matter how often I tried to grab the wheel, God never pushed me away. He held me closer. My breast cancer journey has a happy ending: cancer free and blessed with more time to love and be loved. I’ve been given more time to share the palpable goodness of God. So my prayer: every woman that receives one of those phone calls knows, in that moment, that God’s got her. I pray she draws near to Jesus. And I pray that she surrenders.
I pray she:
Let’s Go.
Let’s God.
Because He is sufficient.
“The Lord is my light and my salvation—
So why should I be afraid?? Psalm 27:1
Carol
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