From Michele:
There’s this quote from Atticus that states, “I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past.” And I’d have to agree. Some of the most amazing individuals are those that have fallen down and gotten back up, despite every desire to give up.
Speaking of strong people, here’s Camille.
I had connected with her on Instagram a few years back during some of the hardest parts in my life. I was struggling with anorexia, and she was one of the first ones to press that follow button, to like my content, and cheer me on (both on my feed and via DM). And at the time, and even today, this meant the world to me. It’s part of the reason that I’m here running Not a Standard and writing little Michele-isms on my Instagram and blog.
So why am I sharing this?
Because I hope Not a Standard provides you with the same support that I received on Instagram. I hope that these stories inspire you, that they allow you to connect to people whom you can relate to, and that you learn a bit more about other struggles (outside of your own). Everyone deserves to feel a bit more understood.
On that note… check out Camille’s story below!
The earliest memory that I have of feeling insecure was in first grade, sitting next to my best friend on the bus, looking down at my thighs and noticing they were about twice the size of hers. In most of elementary school I was picked on or ignored by my friends. Some of them I hung out with outside of school were nice, but when around others, they’d act as if I didn’t exist. I remember on my last day of 5th grade my mom picked me up and asked if I wanted to say bye to anyone, but I told her I didn’t.
I was happy because we were moving, so in a few months when I started 6th grade I had hoped to meet new friends.
In middle school, I did make lots of new friends, and I wasn’t bullied or teased as much as before. But I grew more self-conscious, because I felt like many of my friends were prettier, skinnier, or more athletic than I was. I was in no way overweight, but some guy in my cross country class practice muttered “fatty” under his breath as he passed me (however, he wanted to date me and I turned him down, so this may have been a motive). One time, a huge crush of mine for most of middle school made it clear to me that my friend was super hot, and I’m pretty sure he was aware that I liked him. Another time my friend and I were chatting with this guy online from our school (on AIM), and he told her that she beat me “by a mile” in looks. One other time at lunch, a friend meaningfully told me I would be so much prettier if I lost about 10-15 pounds.
At the time I remember feeling hurt, yet determined and hopeful.
In high school, I had a long term boyfriend who constantly used me. My senior year, I remember I started losing weight from eating healthier and less often. I remember feeling better about my appearance, especially after my boyfriend told me I looked too skinny.
I remember liking this feeling, because all my life I had never experienced being the skinny girl before.
After I got to college in 2010, I broke up with my jealous boyfriend from high school, and I felt free being away from my (very) controlling parents. In turn, I ended up partying a lot and making many poor decisions. I also became very interested in nutrition and food, researching weight loss tips 24/7. In our society, we are told that thinness equates to attractiveness, and this (combined with my experiences growing up) finally caught up to me. I thought that if I didn’t look my best, I wasn’t as attractive.
I soon became anorexic and orthorexic.
When I couldn’t stand the hunger, I binged. After a while, this led to bulimia. I binged and purged for almost two years (one of the most addicting, awful disorders in my opinion). A lot of my hair fell out, my heart palpitated, and I had night sweats that soaked my bed. I was terrified of gaining weight for so long, and this ruined me.
I believed that I would forever have to be this way to ever feel okay with myself.
I settled in the comfort of my disorders because I didn’t know how valuable I was. All of this had consequences; it directly affected most aspects of my life. I quit jobs and was fired from a few. I even dropped out of college for a few years, thinking it just wasn’t for me. I lacked any self-respect and confidence. The guys I dated ended up being shady or manipulative, with two of my boyfriends cheating on me and my last relationship full of abuse and lying.
However, one day I couldn’t take it anymore.
I broke down and told my mom what was going on, who began to hold me accountable. Eventually, I recovered with bulimia (luckily, with much persistence), but still struggled with orthorexia and body image issues.
I believe I finally snapped out of my unhealthy ways after I got pregnant with my son in 2015.
To those who haven’t had kids, it can be hard to explain how children can be beneficial for self worth and confidence. I can’t even explain it to be honest. But I do know that being a mother, I slowly started to love and respect myself, especially after (finally) leaving my ex. I kicked him out and finally graduated college in 2017.
I realized what was important in life, and I showed up for it.
I learned that every action I took and decision I made had meaning. I can honestly say now that I now have a healthy relationship with food too. It’s taken a lot of time to actually respect and take care of my body, as well as trusting the process of eating more for health and growth. It’s nice to enjoy my food as food, and not just “fuel”, or to fill a void/satisfy an ED. I eat healthy food and not so healthy food, and I work out (not regularly but I try) because I love it all. And whenever something bothers me about myself, I try to remember that I am in control of my mind and body, because it’s mine and no one else’s.
Camille
Connect With Her:
Instagram: Instagram.com/camille.thurber